Bittersweet September

This week as the dreaded period date was approaching, I had an unusual spring in my step and hope in my heart. Usually a couple days before I’m about to start surfing the crimson tide (as I so fondly like to call it), I’m riddled with a slew of pre-cramps, bloating, and emotional outbursts for no reason (does this sound like a stereotypical Midol ad to anyone else?). This lets me know that my monthly “gift” is coming (ladies, I think you know what I’m talking about here). However to my delight, none of those things were present this last week. I felt some stomach pain that I chalked up to stress, but other than that, no signs of the period. In me began to arise the hope that maybe this will be the month, that this time I’m pregnant and my life is going to change forever. With the dream of having a child seemingly in reach, I found myself smiling to myself a lot thinking of the prospect, but also trying to keep calm so that I didn’t get too excited and jinx the whole thing in case my body was playing tricks on me. I could barely bring myself to tell my Husband about it because of my irrational fear that if I talk about something too much, or wish for it too much, it won’t come true. Yesterday my girly calendar told me that I was supposed to be surfing, and still, no symptoms were to be found. I couldn’t hold it back any longer and told my Hubbub what was going on. We both agreed that it was exciting but to try not to think about it until we could take a pregnancy test to be sure (keyword being TRY, reality being I could barely not think about it). And then this morning happened.

I woke up this morning to the pre-cramps that I thought I had been lucky enough to evade. At first I thought it was a stomach ache, but soon realized that that was just wishful thinking. My heart started to ache as the reality of most likely having a period this month began to set it. As I began to feel sure that a pregnancy was not in the cards this month, my eyes could no longer contain their tears. Most months when I get my monthly visitor, I’m bumped of course, but I just tell myself that it wasn’t meant to be and try to pick myself back up. This month was different. Maybe it was the lack of pre-period symptoms, or the prospect of us moving soon and needing to decide on one bedroom or two bedroom apartments. I should have remembered that my period isn’t an exact science and that sometimes it can be one, or even a couple days off from my girly calendar. I should have remembered that I should really wait a solid week after a missed cycle to even consider pregnancy a possibility. Either way, I had a long overdue breakdown, as the journey of trying to get pregnant began to weigh on me.

As my Husband noticed my crying, I confessed my thoughts to him, and he immediately held onto me to comfort my aching heart. We cried together as we talked about how God has a plan for all of us, and by relying on Him, we can get through even the toughest of trials. He knows what we’re going through, knows our hearts and our pain. He knows what we need and when we need it, and when the time is right, He will bless us with a life, a child for us to raise and love. My husband reminded me that it’s okay to be sad about this and to express that sadness because those who don’t let themselves get emotional either, bottle it all up until they explode, or they become a cold unfeeling person. We also talked about how it’s only been 8 months of trying and how his brothers had to try for years before they were able to conceive. It was a much needed and comforting talk, as my pain began to feel lighter.

My point is this. Even though things may not happen how you want them to or even when you want them to, everything is going to be okay. Someone loves you. Something makes you happy. Wherever you end up, whatever situation you’re going through, it’s going to be okay. Maybe your current lot in life is preparing you for something great that is yet to come. Maybe you’re not getting what you want now because you’re meant for something even greater in the future. Maybe you’re going through a tough time so that you can come out the other side, wiser, closer to someone, or more appreciative of something you wish for. Whatever the reason, keep your chin up. Everything will work out in the end.

With that being said, I’ve dried up my tears and will continue to work for a child. I’ve been reminded of God’s love and the eternal perspective, and hold a renewed hope in my heart. I’m so thankful for the blessings I do have in my life, and know too, that everything will be okay. Now, it’s national cheese pizza day, so I’m going to break from my diet a bit a treat myself to some much needed comfort food, with good friends, good movies, and good lovin’. Dominoes, here I come!

LA.